Deep purple

In one--actually, in a couple--of my social work classes, we go around the room and do a "check-in" before starting class. usually, we all just tell everyone how we are feeling, or talk about something big that's going on. but one of my teachers gets creative sometimes, and a couple of weeks ago she asked us to tell the class what color we were. After brief contemplation, i decided i was "deep purple". haha. this means, a whole mix of different feelings all together: anxious, tired, frustrated, excited, happy, etc. all balled into one feeling, or color. and that's what i am again today...

ive been feeling really frustrated with my SW field placement at the Community Center. my supervisor is flaky, the kids can be really demanding of my energy and patience, and im not getting any feedback on how im doing. i have no idea if im doing things right? or wrong? im trying to learn how to better work with kids, but im doing what i know how, and trying to learn? but im just getting frustrated. plus--just my job description in itself i think is frustrating! it takes a lot of energy out of me, and it's not even half of what i spend my time doing...sooo, idk. i absolutely love the kids, and def want to work in this field. but im struggling in my placement and with my coworkers..

and i am seriously alwaysss tired. things never end. jeeze. and its frustrating to feel like im working really hard and i somehow feel like im not doing enough? or doing it well enough. i never have enough time to do what i need and/or want, or as much money as i need--but that has to be true for everyone, right?!

BUT.....there are good things going on too. steven is really great. he is a really cool guy, and he treats me well. ha, even if he does something that upsets me, he truly feels bad and really cares about my feelings. sometimes i get smothered and just need a little more "me time" or girl time, but he understands and makes me feel that those feelings are ok. he lets me be me, and doesnt try to change who i am. he is supportive of the things that mean a lot to me. hes a really nice part of my life right now and it feels really good. its just really funny---i was finally telling myself, "fine. you might not meet a guy that likes you for who you are. and you dont want to change! so just do your own thing, you're fine! you can live by yourself and have your own life with a ton of friends. you dont need a guy. he will prob be dumb anyway." and then BANG. steven was there :) and i really didnt want to start anything with him at first, haha. but im glad i did. im happy with him.

AND, i will be applying to my second and FINAL year of graduate school in December/January. which makes me nervous, but really excited!

i am anxious about next year, too though. im thinking about living by myself. which, i guess im ready for. financially, it will suck. and id rather live with a friend. but i dont have many other options that will make me happy, soo, we'll seeeee...

what else?

OH YEA....im soooo excited for thanksgiving!!! mostly because i just get to eat allllll dayyy :) mm yummmy! but i lovee seeing my family. and HOPEFULLY ill get to go out with a bunch of my neenah loveliess!! :) soo thats awesome!

...the only bad thing about thanksgiving is that i come back and have two last hell weeks of school. papers. projects. papers. papers... ugh.

and i guess one other bad thing about the holidays: i get a little sad thinking about "people" from my past. even though im fine right now, and really really happy with how my life is going, for some reason, there is still a piece of my heart that aches.. :( feedback anyone? ..

so yea, DEEP PURPLE. im great in a lot of ways, while at the same time, struggling in some ways, too. so deep purple is the best way for me to label what i am.

I REALLY MISS EVERYONE! i love you all. thank you for caring enough to check up on me :) lovess!! xoxox