really high or really low

I am very up and down. I know this about myself--I am very high and very low. One day, or one minute, I am really happy, energetic, annoyingly bubbly; the next, I am really down, discouraged, isolated, etc. So I've been really back and forth over the last week or soo....

The few nights before I went home for Thanksgiving, I hung out with Steven a couple times. During those nights, stuff was said, or something happened, that I really didn't like. If I would say something about it, like "That upsets me" or "that makes me feel bad" we ended up having a long conversation trying to talk it out, blah blah and its annoying! I would rather not have to do that--it's not really fighting, but we're still disagreeing and having to discuss. It's what I hate about being in relationships. People get hurt, and then you have to talk, or you just stay hurt and don't say anything.... sooo in those few nights, there were two conversations we had, and we tried to solve the issues, and the then there was one incident where I felt really upset and offended and kept it to myself. That happened late at night, the Tuesday night before I went home the next day for Thanksgiving break. So even though I was feeling bad about things he was saying, I was too exhausted to say anything, and didn't want to deal with the "drama". So we still haven't talked about it...

SO THEN...I went home Wednesday for Thanksgiving. My weekend was really really greatt!! It was sooo nice to be home and spend time with my parents and family who I don't see often. And it was also super fun to go out with friends and catch up with everyone and party. AND it was really great to catch up on sleep!! I hadn't been sleeping well at all the week before break, so I needed a lot of catching up. So it felt great! But...I was feeling upset about how I left things with Steven, so I felt sort of awkward all weekend. We talked to each other almost every night on the phone, but very briefly. We don't do the phone. Just, how are you? fine. How was your day? good. What'd you do? worked. What are you doing tomorrow? work. Miss you. You too. .... Yea, not that good.

....But it was really great to be home. I spent time with my dad which was nice. It's always nice having him home, safe. I worry a lot about him since he's working in Milwaukee all week. I know it takes such a toll on him, so it's just reassuring to spend time with him and know he's ok. It's also upsetting for me because I see how hard it is for my mom to be at home all week without my dad. I know she's sad, and frustrated with his work situation. And he's frustrated, because he has to keep his job because we need the money. And he knows my mom hates it. Etc... I don't know. It's just a real shitty situation.

....But I got to eat a ton of foooood! And we watched movies! Elf! And I napped! And I bought a superrrr cyuteee dress from Express to wear to my Winter Party for work :) And I saw all my grandparents and cousins and friends. And ate fooood. It was lovely :)

Coming back to Madison Sunday then, was depressing. So I went from being high, to being low. Once I got back I realized how much I had to do in the next couple weeks, and how much sleep I would be losing... Ughh. So I was not happy. Steven worked Sunday and didn't get home til 1030p, and since we hadn't seen each other since Tuesday, I figured we should prob see each other. So he slept over. It was fine. Good to see him. But of course, I was tired, and he wasn't. I was upset because I just didn't want to do the next two weeks coming up, and he had just come off of his shift and had the next two days off, so it was his Friday. I always end up feeling bad for being tired...I don't know. It's that which makes me feel like this just doesn't work. We lay down, and I say I'm tired. And he says, I know. And I ask if he's tired. And he says, no. Ugh, it makes me feel bad, and it's frustrating. I like him, and like spending time with him; but at the same time, he is an added stressor to my life..

School is OK. I'm hopeful, thinking about how I am done one week from today! Yay!! But not getting a lot of sleep and having a lot to do/think about is really hard on me. I just have to keep telling myself: one more week. And then after that, one more semester. And then after that, one more year!

So yea up and down.

RIGHT NOW---im definitely down! Im sitting at Monona Tires, my favorite car place in Madison. The guys here are really nice to me, never BS me and take care of my car. I really really needed an oil change, and my wind shield wipers are shot so I have to get those replaced. And my car squeals sometimes when it's running, and this weekend my dad's friend Greg told me it was the power steering fluid and I was like, great that's easy. But of course that's not it. Power steering fluid is full.... the really nice car guy keeps coming into the waiting room and telling me more things that are wrong. The squealing is actually the belts, that are so worn that if he tries to tighten them he thinks they'll break. So the belts need to be replaced, but that's $150. And I can't afford it. Tear. And then he comes back and says a rear lightbulb is out, so that's another $12 added to the oil change and wipers. Bill just keeps going up. So if it isn't one thing it's another, I swear. I don't know... man..

is it christmas break yet??